Common Pitfalls in Discernment Counseling—and How to Avoid Them
For therapists who find themselves stuck in the swirl with mixed-agenda couples
Let’s be real: working with couples on the brink of separation is hard. It’s high-stakes, emotionally loaded, and often leaves even seasoned therapists second-guessing themselves. Discernment Counseling (DC) offers a powerful map for navigating these sessions, but it’s still easy to hit some common traps.
If you’ve ever left a discernment session wondering “Did I just do regular couples therapy… again?”—you’re not alone.
Here are a few of the most common pitfalls in DC work (yes, even for trained clinicians), and how to course-correct:
1. Turning it into regular couples therapy too soon
The Pitfall: You slip into your familiar couples therapy moves—communication coaching, cycle mapping, repair tools—because the couple feels like they’re ready.
Why it happens: Therapists are helpers. When we see a glimmer of hope, we want to lean in and get to work. But when one person is still unsure, this prematurely shifts the dynamic away from clarity and into performance.
What to do instead: Stay in the structure. Hold the frame. Remind the couple that this isn’t about working on the relationship—it’s about deciding whether to. Let discomfort exist.
“We’re not doing couple therapy here—yet. We’re slowing it down to make sure that’s what you both want.”
2. Over-aligning with the leaning-in partner
The Pitfall: You spend more time with the partner who’s eager to stay together. They show up motivated, take the work seriously, and often speak your therapy language.
Why it happens: They’re easier to engage. They reflect the hope we want to cultivate. But this risks making the leaning-out partner feel even more misunderstood or pressured.
What to do instead: Get deeply curious about the leaning-out partner’s story. Let them know you’re not here to save the marriage—you’re here to help both partners make an informed decision they can live with long-term.
3. Missing the therapist’s own activation
The Pitfall: You get activated and subtly start pushing your agenda—maybe to “save the relationship,” or to avoid the pain of seeing another one fall apart.
Why it happens: Discernment work hits deep. Our own attachment stuff, moral frameworks, and fatigue can show up quickly—especially if we’ve had a string of divorces or feel overly responsible for outcomes.
What to do instead: Name your archetype. Are you the Fixer? The Judge? The Peacekeeper? Your internal protector may be trying to run the session. That’s your cue to pause and check back in with your Wise Adult.
👉 Not sure what shows up for you? Download the Therapist Archetype Guide and get honest about your own default mode.
4. Trying to be “neutral” at the expense of truth
The Pitfall: You walk on eggshells. You avoid naming toxic dynamics, patterns of contempt, or accountability concerns because you’re trying to remain neutral.
Why it happens: We mistake neutrality for therapeutic safety. But Discernment Counseling is not about staying quiet. It’s about being grounded, relationally honest, and direct in a way that doesn’t shame or blame.
What to do instead: Use soft eyes and a firm voice. Don’t shy away from calling out behaviors that harm connection. Just do it in a way that centers dignity and choice.
“I want to reflect something I’m noticing. It may be hard to hear, but I think it’s important if we’re going to have an honest exploration of where this relationship stands.”
5. Rushing the timeline
The Pitfall: You (or the couple) feel urgency to “decide already,” especially when there’s a looming deadline—kids, housing, court dates.
Why it happens: Pressure comes from everywhere. But clarity requires time. The average DC case runs 1–5 sessions for a reason. Rushing it often backfires.
What to do instead: Normalize the discomfort of not-knowing. Invite them to sit with the tension rather than solve it. Remind them: a rushed decision is rarely a satisfying one.
6. Falling into the “Poor Baby / What a Jerk” Trap
The Pitfall: You find yourself emotionally siding with one partner—usually the one who’s more articulate, emotionally raw, or visibly hurting. Meanwhile, the other partner starts to look like the problem.
Why it happens: We’re human. When one person shares years of unmet needs or harm, it’s easy to slide into empathizing without leveraging. As Bill Doherty says, this turns into “Poor baby, what a jerk” dynamics—offering comfort to one partner while writing the other off.
What to do instead: Empathize and challenge. We want the hurt partner to feel seen, yes—but not at the cost of therapeutic momentum. You can’t create change unless you get the “jerk” in the room engaged. And let’s be clear—“jerk” is shorthand for “the one currently out of relational integrity,” not a clinical diagnosis.
“I hear how painful this has been for you. If you want a different relationship—or even clarity about whether there’s a future—it’s going to take some work from both of you. Can we talk about how you may have contributed to the stuckness too?”
This approach makes it possible to build leverage with the partner who’s been avoidant, withdrawn, or defensive. And without that leverage, you're just a well-meaning witness to the collapse.
Need more support?
You don’t have to white-knuckle this work.
Join the Therapist Hub at Relationships on the Brink to access more resources, clinical consultations, and community support for therapists working with ambivalent couples. We’re human too—and we deserve structure, support, and space to reflect.